shelly’s Neighborhood

Sometimes I want to know when I'll die so I can get to partying.

I am ever searching for a partner, whether it be actively, pro-actively, lazily, whatever... just searching. My heart escapes logic and is yet again weighed down by the preconceptions of males. These expectations that are neither real nor requested. Are we born with this ideal mate locked away in our mind's eye? Do we build them from clay desires and trinkets collected over the years? An ounce of him and a pinch of her, but too few ingredients to emulsify into a being. This creature is either dormant or dead inside me. Or they are yet to be born. I cannot will such a being into existence. I do not wish to settle for three table spoons of sugar when I could have a whole cup. Then again, I don't want to become comatose from this merging of wonders in two humans that seems so fairy tale in the sense of tales that have been retold by Disney. We all need a little Grimm for reality's sake. Partners doesn't equal two perfectly combined halves, but two wholes that coexist like two atoms that will never collide and explode, but brush against one another and make lovely and frightening sparks. I am tired of living miniature versions of these realities. I need comfort and carelessness, excitement married with anxiety. No zen can occur from air without wind.

Are we inherently afraid of silence or fearful of what will come from its being broken?

Moving is no fun.

On our way south, going home from Indiana.

I just want to crawl inside you and rest, because I know you understand and I won't have to explain myself. You'll hold me and for a time, it will be OK. I can sob on your breast and you won't think less of me. You won't look at me with pity or call me weak. You won't make me feel cliche and pathetic. Our friendship is like a shield I can carry with me everywhere. Even when we're not close to one another I take solace in you. I imagine having faith and feeling this way about Christ, but I haven't been able to feel that in so long. I just can't believe. There has to be something. But, if there is this God so many have faith in and say protects them, wouldn't that God want us to rely on ourselves and each other? If we are these creatures formed in the image of a greater being, why do we have so little faith in each other and ourselves? I am thankful for you and you and you; I just don't know who to make the thank you note out to.

Tears of a clown.